I struggled with what to say on my blog this week, but I finally landed upon this idea as the thing that resonated with me at the current moment.
Something I’ve been realizing, more and more every day, is how much time I’ve spent judging myself for the problems I’ve had. Not actively trying to solve them… just judging.
On some level I didn’t trust myself. After all all of my difficulties in getting diagnosed and treated… at some point, I developed the belief that whatever health issues I was having, no one would really be able to help me. My issues would probably always be too complex for any one person to truly understand.
From there, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy that played out from one issue to another. Compartment syndrome, central sensitization, sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I didn’t really believe there were answers out there, so I didn’t try that hard to look. I gave up before the fight was over (until things got so bad that I finally didn’t).
Now I realize that, just because other people doubted me, I didn’t have to doubt myself. And maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to wait for things to get so bad before I took action.
In a way, my issues are too complex for any one person to understand, other than me. I did have to step up, do my own research, and keep track of so many things myself. But now I see that that’s a reflection on our health care system, not on me.
Everyone is rushed; insurance companies don’t pay for long enough visits, let enough adequate treatments. (I personally feel that most of these efforts to reduce costs on the front end ultimately end up driving up costs on the back end, as people develop more serious conditions that could have been monitored or treated before they became more serious. But I digress).
There was never any real reason for me to lose faith in myself. My problems were real, and they had real answers. (And you know what? Even if they were in my head, mental health concerns deserve to be addressed too).
It’s like that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
For so long I gave so much of my power away… why?
There are so many bigger things happening in the world. Why am I wasting time judging myself and holding back, when I could actually be contributing to something larger than myself?
For anyone who’s been struggling to make sense of what’s been going on in the world, I stumbled upon another amazing quote today, that was just exactly what I needed:
I love this, so much. Do justly. Love mercy, Walk humbly. Nowhere in there does it say “second-guess yourself for trying to heal and then do nothing.”
I’m done trying to see things through the lens of “perfect” or how things “should be.” I want to see things clearly (both in terms of the way I see others, and myself).
Judging yourself is really just a waste of time.
I want to have compassion for others, and maybe, for the first time in my life, also for myself. I guess right now I’m learning what that means.
This post isn’t supposed to be about just me (although it kind of seems like it, now that I read it over). It’s actually supposed to be about getting “me” out of the way. To stop getting caught up in a cycle where I judge myself instead of doing things, for myself or for others.
If you’re reading this, I hope you know what I mean, and that maybe this post was helpful to you, too.