So, I think I *do* have fibromyalgia, after all.

Wow… the past few months have been full of changes for me!  There’s been a lot to deal with… but at the same time, I’ve been learning from it, and figuring a lot out.

I don’t always feel inspired to share super personal stuff on this blog, but I’ve heard from a few readers — including a few friends from real life, who decided to check out my blog– who reminded me that sharing these personal details can really help others.  So I feel moved to share some of my epiphanies with you all, for whoever may see this.

Epiphany #1.

This epiphany actually dates back to a conversation I had with another girl at my friend John’s birthday, a few months ago.  (This was before I ended up in the ER after a chiropractor visit, and subsequently fired my primary care doctor).

The girl I was speaking with, Jess, is a nurse at a primary care office.  We had never met before but she was just one of those really caring, empathetic people who’s easy to talk to.

I found myself opening up to her about my story– my health issues, chronic pain, the SI joint.

“Do you have fibromyalgia?” she asked me, stopping me in the middle of my story.

“Well, no,” I answered.  “Not really.  I have some of the symptoms, but no one’s ever really diagnosed me with it.”

She looked at me questioningly, so I continued.

“I mean, I don’t know, maybe I have it… I’ve just never really seen a doctor who seems to believe it’s a real thing.  My primary care doctor has always thought it’s in my head, and that I’m depressed.”

Now I really had her attention.

Her eyes widened and she said, “We see people in our office with fibromyalgia all the time.  It’s not an uncommon diagnosis.  Just because your doctor doesn’t believe it’s real, doesn’t mean you don’t have it.”

Somehow, Jess was about to put the entire past ten years of my life into a different perspective.

She continued, “You know, just because someone has a medical degree, it doesn’t make them the be-all, end-all authority.  They’re just people. You have to listen to yourself.  You deserve help.  Maybe there’s a better doctor out there for you.”

I was just honestly floored by this.

Jess started telling me how the doctor she worked for not only believed that fibromyalgia was a real diagnosis, but was willing (and confident) in treating patients with it herself.  Whereas my former PCP responded that it “had to be” a mental health issue, this doctor actually prescribed medication.  Not for depression or anxiety, but for fibromyalgia itself, as its own diagnosis.  And how this doctor believed her patients, and had sympathy for them and their struggles.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing– it was like Jess was describing another world.

Since then, I’ve been reading more recent, up-to-date articles on fibromyalgia… and I think Jess is right.  

I think I do have it.

I’m not sure why I’ve always thought of my chronic pain issues as separate from fibromyalgia.  I think there’s a combination factors– the biggest of which, of course, is I’ve never met a medical professional who believed it was real.

I don’t know why this is.  I seemed to have bad luck, getting one doctor after another who believed chronic pain had to be linked to mental health.

I want to be clear about the fact that I have found significant relief through pain neurophysiology education, which I talk about on this blog. 

It’s a special form of physical therapy that teaches chronic pain patients how to work with their nervous system, rather than against it.  It’s an amazing way to reduce the cycle of chronic pain.  I can honestly say that my physical therapist Tim, who studied with pain researcher Neil Pearson, is the only medical professional who ever truly understood my pain issues.

But Jess made me realize that maybe I do deserve to have doctors treating me, who actually believe in me.  

You know what?  I still have pain.  (Pain neurophysiology education never promises to completely erase your symptoms– only to help you live with them).

The 95 degree heat we’ve been having here in Massachusetts knocks me out, seemingly more than other people.  And I have other symptoms associated with fibromyalgia, as well.  Maybe I do actually have it.

Maybe it’s a little bit ridiculous– and unnecessary– to go it alone.

Ultimately, I almost think it’s a lack of self-compassion that’s kept me from trying harder to find a doctor who believed in fibromyalgia.  Despite everything I knew intellectually about the science, on some level I had sort of internalized the idea that I was a “weird” case, or a “mental health case,” because that’s how my former primary doctor made me feel.

Looking back, I think I accepted the idea that there was no one who could help me, way too soon.

However, seeing how my former doctor reacted to my chiropractic scare really put things into perspective.

As I wrote about in this post, this experience helped me see her shortcomings a lot more clearly, compared to chronic pain.

When it was actually a question of my being paralyzed, or having damage to my reproductive organs, I saw how her inability to empathize, or actually acknowledge all of the symptoms I was presenting, actually had real world consequences.

So I switched doctors… and I’m so glad I did.

I’ll share more later about what I’ve been learning from my new doctor.  But for right now, I really wanted to address this fibromyalgia question.

Because I’ve been going back and reading recent articles online, and I’m changing my perspective.  

Fibromyalgia isn’t just one symptom of central sensitization… it is central sensitization.

The Mayo Clinic explains:

“Researchers believe repeated nerve stimulation causes the brains of people with fibromyalgia to change. This change involves an abnormal increase in levels of certain chemicals in the brain that signal pain (neurotransmitters). In addition, the brain’s pain receptors seem to develop a sort of memory of the pain and become more sensitive, meaning they can overreact to pain signals.”

Yes, that’s me.  That is what I have.  I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.

Going forward:

I’m going to do myself a favor, and see myself as someone who legitimately has fibromyalgia and deserves help.

I have written this so many times on my blog.   Believe in yourself, believe in yourself, believe in yourself.  It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn so many times over, and am still learning.   Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), it’s a lesson life never seems to stop offering me opportunities to learn.

I’m not quite sure exactly what implications this has for my future treatment.  I do think that, despite my lack of diagnosis, I’ve still tried most of the treatments available to fibromyalgia patients.  (I’ve tried just about all of the medications, with no success).

But… who knows?  Maybe something else is out there for me.  And going through life answering “no” when people asked me if I had fibromyalgia was probably not going to help me find it.

So… that’s all for now.

I actually have a few other epiphanies coming up to share with you– it has been such an intense (but good!) time for me, learning wise.

Hope you stay tuned!

Related posts you may want to check out:

Friday round-up: swimming outside, meditation, and coffee shops

Hi everyone!

So… I wanted to follow up my recent posts, which have been somewhat heavy, with a post to check in about some of the good things going on in my life!

I’ve always wanted to try doing one of those Friday round-up posts so many bloggers do, so I thought I’d give this a go.

First of all– it’s warm out!  The days are getting longer!  I can finally take my aquatic workouts outside!.  

 

Everything about aquatic exercise becomes fun (and fashionable!) again. 

Rash guard

One of my favorite aquatic workout items is a rash guard, like the one above.  They’re technically made for surfing/paddleboarding/other water sports, to protect your skin from the saltwater and sun.

But hey… those of us in the water for rehab purposes absolutely deserve comfort and sun protection as well, especially when it’s not super warm out!

Summer is also the time when I tend to explore new exercises, and even come up with more of my own exercises.  

It’s just…. you feel so much more free.  I love my gym pool, especially when I can catch a 30-minute block of time with it all to myself at the end of the day.

But there’s nothing like being outside… it brings me right back to being a kid.

A kid with slightly different toys:

Aqua Jogger Women’s Fitness System

I really love the Aqua Jogger company because there are so many different things you can do with their equipment.  Some of the exercises are geared more towards athletes rehabbing an injury than the chronic pain crowd.  But I’ve actually been a member of both of those crowds, now that I think of it, and I really respect their brand.  They offer a complete workout system, which no one else really does.

Meditation.

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I’m currently renewing my focus on trying to be a more centered person.  I find that when I make time to get in touch with myself at the core of my being, it’s like I remember there’s a deeper purpose to life.  I feel like I always sort of know that, deep down, but often it gets covered up by the the hustle and bustle of daily life.

If you wanted to try out some different approaches, here are some free meditations, by the way, offered by the UCLA Mindfulness Awareness Research Center.

You can also check out the Calm app, which has a bunch of free meditations as well.

Group meditations

Additionally, something I really love is group meditations.  While solitude can be really key, I think there’s also something to be said for joining in a group of people for a common, spiritual (if you believe that) purpose.

This is something I’ve really enjoyed in the past, and this summer I’ll be looking for groups in my area to get involved in.

Getting out and about

I wrote a post a few years ago on the “Little Things.”  It’s about how, even though some of us might not be able to physically handle a vacation, or even a long day trip, we can still bring the mindset of a “vacation” to the things we have to do.

Running errands?  Try driving a different route.  You may pass something scenic you didn’t know was there.

Have a doctor’s appointment in a town you’ve never been to?  Check out a local coffee shop afterwards.

This is something I try to do, whenever I have the opportunity.  I’ve gotten in the habit of bringing my little touchscreen Chromebook with me wherever I go, in case I feel like sitting in a cafe and doing some writing.

So… life might not always allow us to have huge adventures.  But that doesn’t mean the little things can’t add up.

What are you looking forward to about the summer?  Do you find it makes your exercise routine easier?  Let me know!

Why I fired my primary care doctor after 10+ years.

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I’m still weird about putting too many pictures of myself online… here’s a nice sunglasses selfie!

Sometimes I just can’t believe the personal details I put online.  To be honest, I think that’s why I don’t work on this blog as often as My Sacroiliac Joint Saga.  It’s super easy to provide people with factual information, with only a few personal tidbits thrown in.

This blog, though?  This is the one I almost don’t want anyone to read. (Except not really, so keep reading!).

But I also know that what I put out there can help people– and it helps me, to know that I’m helping others.

So I thought I’d share with you why I decided to “fire” my primary care doctor, who I’ve been seeing for over ten years. This also means I’ll be leaving the medical practice I’ve literally been a patient at for my entire life (my Mom took me there when I was a baby).

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As some of you know, I recently ended up in the emergency room fearing I had nerve damage, following what should have been a routine adjustment at the chiropractor.  I’m lucky that it did not turn out to be permanent.  However, the entire thing was incredibly stressful for me– I was in and out of two emergency rooms.  I cried, I hyperventilated, I thought I was going to faint.  I mean… imagine wondering if you were going to be walking like a drunk person for your entire life?  My heart goes out to the people for whom this is permanent.  I’d had no idea what it was like.

As you can imagine, this entire thing was incredibly stressful on my body.  Normally my resting heart rate is fairly low (once a long-distance runner, always a long-distance runner!).  But the stress and fear kept it soaring all weekend long.  At one point, one of the nurses strongly suggested I take the anxiety medication they were offering me because, medically speaking, they wouldn’t be able to discharge me with my heart rate as high as it was.

And then, 24 hours after that, when I was still walking funny and not totally convinced I was going to recover, my period came.

And it wasn’t a normal period for me.  I know that it’s common for some women to experience spotting or early periods due to stress, but it has literally never happened to  me before.  It didn’t feel like a normal period– this felt less like a gently flowing river, and more like an avalanche. I had cramps I’d never experienced before.

In retrospect, it probably would have made more sense for me to follow up with my OB-gyn’s office about this.  But I was still sort of in panic mode, and not thinking clearly.  So I went to my default option and called my primary doctor’s office.  After all, that’s what my discharge instructions from the emergency room said to do.

And I could not believe how rude she was to me.  

Normally, this doctor is very polite.  She and I haven’t always seen eye to eye over the years, when it comes to things like fibromyalgia and central sensitization.  My impression is that she doesn’t really know what central sensitization is– like many doctors I’ve met, it seems to be hard-wired into her brain that any symptoms of this sort have to be connected to mental health.

So she has said some things over the years that really irked me, or sounded skeptical when I described sacroiliac joint dysfunction.

However, at the same time, she never turned me down when I asked for a referral to see a specialist, or a physical therapist.   My requests were always processed promptly, so I felt like our difference in perspectives wasn’t necessarily affecting the outcome of my care.  (Because really, a primary care doctor isn’t the one I’d expect to have answers about central sensitization or SI joint dysfunction anyway).

But that day, I saw how our difference in philosophy could have life-altering implications. 

Because we weren’t talking about musculoskeletal pain, we were actually talking about my reproductive system.

And she was totally dismissive.  It turned out later she’d tried to send me a message telling me I should follow up with my OB-gyn, but at the same time, her staff members were calling me to try to set up a same-day appointment with her.  So, reasonably, I expected that she wanted me to come in.

So I got into the room with her and told her I was concerned about this strange early period, as it was totally abnormal for me.  I wanted to make sure that between the chiropractic adjustment and the potential nerve damage (which had not officially been ruled out) nothing weird was going on with my uterus.

And she looked at me like I had two heads.  “You know your insurance is going to charge you a lot if I do a pelvic exam on you, right?  Those are expensive.”

Her tone and her expression, though, were not out of concern. Instead, they seemed to be out of annoyance.

“The hospital discharged you for a reason.  And you’re still worried?”

In my head, I thought Why is this woman not just examining me?

She continued, “You know, a pelvic exam isn’t really going to rule out everything that could be wrong with your uterus.  For that, you really need an ultrasound” (which they weren’t going to be able to perform at her office).

We sort of stared at each other for a few seconds and finally, the ten years of being dismissed got to me.

I said, “You know, I have to be honest.  I don’t really feel like you’re taking this seriously.  I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t have come here… why did you let me come here?  You should have just told me to go straight to the OB-gyn for an ultrasound.”

That’s when she paused, and gulped.  “I did tell you that… I sent you a message online telling you I thought that’s where you should follow up.”

Then she realized her mistake.  She’d assumed that I’d seen her message, and decided to come in to her office anyway, like some paranoid hypochondriac who wanted to be seen in two places, when one would suffice.  That’s why she was being so dismissive.

I felt the anger welling up inside me, but I’m proud of myself because I kept it classy.   I said, “So, without the ultrasound, we don’t really know what’s wrong?  So we can’t really say there’s nothing wrong with my uterus, can we?”

Embarrassed, she shook her head no.

And I’m telling you– I am so proud of myself for the way I handled this.  I kept it polite, but we both knew how much in the wrong she was.  I said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m going to call my OB-gyn right now, before they go home for the day.  Because this is still potentially an emergency.”

And I literally took out my phone and called them right there, with her sitting in the exam room.

To be fair, although the doctor didn’t outright admit her mistake, she did apologize for “looking as though she wasn’t taking it seriously.”   She did nod her head in agreement as I told the person at the OB-gyn’s office that this was potentially an emergency.

But I will be switching primary care doctors now, because this was just too much for me.  A difference in philosophical outlook is one thing– but when it affects how my case is handled in a potential emergency situation, it’s time to move on.

End note:

After all this, I did end up speaking with the OB doctor who was on call that day– the same one who performed my surgery, actually– and she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about.  That it was just due to stress, and that I wasn’t in enough pain for it to sound concerning.  I ended up having an ultrasound anyway, in a non-emergency setting, and it turned out normal.  So, everything did turn out okay.

But I will still be switching, because enough is enough.  It’s taken me a long time, over the years, to believe in myself, and that I am worthy of respect.  Ten years ago, I don’t know that I would have been brave enough, or composed enough, to handle this situation the way I did.

So, like so many things to come out of that horrible weekend, at least everything turned out alright in the end, and now I can see it as a learning experience.   In a way, I suppose I am grateful for this, too.

When the going gets tough, the tough start researching…

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Hi everyone!

Today I wanted to share with you this post from my friend Clare over at Jelly-Like Joints.

Clare is a science-lover and “bookish crafter” –a book lover who also enjoys arts and crafts.   She was born with a genetic condition that affects her connective tissues.   This causes her to have hypermobile joints, along with chronic pain and other symptoms.

In her post, Clare writes about how she’s been struggling with some new symptoms lately, specifically in regards to her voice.  (Connective tissue disorders can cause a wide range of symptoms, because connective tissue can be found just about everywhere in your body).

I wanted to share her post with you because I really admired her mindset– it’s the approach I try to take as well, when I have setbacks.

Which is to take a step back and say, ok.  I have this new problem I wasn’t expecting.  But that also means there are new potential solutions out there I haven’t tried.

Of course, this is easier said than done.  And I admit, it is not always my immediate reaction.  But when I work through the anger and frustration, this is usually the point I get to that feels right, that lets me know I’m on the right path.

Keep going.  Don’t stop looking for answers.

So what I really admired about Clare’s post is how, not only is she mentioning things that could be helpful to her, she keeps trying to help others at the same time.

So… check out her post!

You may notice that she’s included a link to one of my blog posts ;) I also struggle with hypermobile joints, however mine are hypermobile for a different reason.  I am very fortunate not to have a connective tissue disorder…  I was just born with joints that don’t fit together in the most stable way, making them more prone to pain and potential injury.  (It just happens to some people, through luck of the genetic lottery).

I also really thought the part about the acupressure mat was interesting.  For those that don’t know, the term proprioception means a general awareness of where your body is in space, and the different stimuli affecting it.  Our sense of balance, for example, depends on different types of proprioceptive input through our nervous system.

Sometimes when we have a chronic illness, or injury, or chronic pain, our sense of proprioception to different parts of our body can be impeded, so an important part of therapy is to help the nervous system “remember” to check for different types of information.

That is something the acupressure mat could do, by giving TONS of information to our nervous system about what’s going on with your feet!  So I thought that was cool.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well, and that you all head on over to check out Jelly-Like Joints!

The thing I was most embarrassed to write about

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Technically, I suppose it’s bad form to brag about how much traffic you’ve been getting on your blog.

However, I feel like it’s a little different when a positive message comes with the bragging, so I wanted to share some of my updates with you all.

I’ve come so far from where I was when I wrote my first post about the sacroiliac joint. Despite everything I’d already been through with central sensitization and learning to believe in myself, I still had trouble taking myself seriously when it came to the SI joints.

I mean, I remember why I thought that way, when none of the doctors or physical therapists I saw seemed to know what I was talking about.

But now I know from running my blogs, and hearing from all of the readers who’ve shared their stories with me, that I was far from alone.  I’ve been hearing from so many different people, and I think it’s safe to say that just about everyone who struggles with SI joint dysfunction feels this same way at first.

So, a big thank you to everyone who’s shared their story with me.  Technically, you’ve been reaching out to me for help, but in the end, I think I’ve benefited as much as you.  It’s meant so much to me to know that I was never alone, either, and that the topic I was so afraid to write about is now the topic that’s getting me the most views.

In that spirit, I wanted to share my traffic stats from February with you. My traffic over on My Sacroiliac Joint Saga has been increasing each month, and in February it hit an all-time high, of over 15,000 views.

 

While I wish Sunlight in Winter got anywhere near this much traffic, it just goes to show how many people there are out there looking for information on SI joint dysfunction.

I wish I could show you all of the meaningful emails I’ve gotten, but since I keep all my messages confidential, these numbers will have to do.

But to me, sharing these numbers with you isn’t about bragging– it’s about proof that good can come from sharing the parts of your story you think no one will want to hear.